Wednesday, 29 May 2013

Back in The Game!

After many hours of procrastination, and many more of brainstorming I have done it. I have nailed down the outline for Unbroken. It feels weird to outline a book I have already, technically, written, but this book will be drastically different from it's early version.

I've given some characters a bigger role while eliminating other characters entirely. I have changed many of the events, but upped the tension and entangled the interpersonal relationships between my characters. I have   style, p-nosh and yes, even a sub story.

I really don't think I'd be at the point where I am right now if it weren't for a friend of mine. She's been a real inspiration to me, and a real friend. Her perseverance and her determination are inspiring on their own, but when you couple that with the hell she's been through, it's damned impressive. You should go read her blog, she's an awesome writer, an awesome person and an awesome friend (and her forthcoming book  When Stars Die is pretty darn awesome too) I just figure, if she's been through all she's been through and she can still manage to follow her dreams, to fight the good fight and get what she wants, then why the hell can't I.

She's not the only reason I don't give up, she's just a reminder of what happens when you don't quit.

Here's to never giving up. 

Wednesday, 22 May 2013

The Soundtrack of My Life

I love music, especially rock and classic rock; though I will listen to anything once. You won't find much rap in my collection, a couple of Eminem's songs...but that's it. The same is true for country, I'm just not a fan of most of it, though there are a few songs  that I enjoy. If my life had a soundtrack, these would be on the album.

Meatloaf is epic. His music is killer, his voice is powerful and his lyrics are the stuff of legend. 
Of course you have to love Bat Out of Hell, not only is it the title track, but it tells a wonderful story...and it's epic to sing along too. 
I love the last song on this album the best though. At a staggering eight minutes and forty four seconds, For Cryin' Out Loud is one of the most heart wrenching songs I've ever heard. I can't help but love this song.

Bon Jovi. If you know me, you know I LOVE, absolutely LOVE Bon Jovi.
The Crush album is a favorite of mine. When it came out I was just nearing the end of high school. If my teen years came with a sound track, It's My Life would be the title track. I was determined to break out on my own, to carve my own destiny and Bon Jovi was the singer of my anthems.

I absolutely adore this band. I listen to them every day now. Every. Single. Day. I think I could put I Will Wait on repeat and listen to it all day long. I can sing along with most of the songs now. I'm just short of being full blown obsessed with them. There's a few of their songs that really strike a chord.

I love this song.
I hate this song.

This song is part of my story. More specifically the part where I had my guts ripped out when I was 15 years old by a boy that I was madly in love with. One day I'll tell the story....

I wasn't even ten years old when Freddie Mercury died and I was devastated. This man is a legend, his talent is unmatched and his voice gives me goosebumps. I still mourn him. 

This is the sound of my childhood. This band makes me think of my dad. I'm pretty sure he still blasts them in the car and sings along. I grew up on some darn good music because my parents happen to have awesome taste. 

For now, that is it. I really could go on forever about all the different sounds that make up my soundtrack. I might do another installment on this because I believe you can tell a lot about a person by what their favorite songs are. 

So...what are your favorite songs? Who is on your soundtrack?

Tuesday, 21 May 2013

Elephant in The Room

Oh, never mind him, he's my elephant, he's been around for awhile but I don't talk about him.

He's my depression.

I'm not diagnosed, but I have depression. I hate talking about it. I don't talk about it and I should. I have had problems with depression since I was fifteen, that's half my life. Half my life I've had problems with it, but the past few years have been harder.

Depression has gripped me before, but I've always been able to pick myself up and dust myself off, eventually. Usually once I realize what is going on I can change my actions and my thinking and can banish the darkness. Lately the darkness has been coming more frequently, like it's trying to fight back. Though I've spent fifteen years with these feelings, I've yet to get help. I went to a doctor once, got sent for blood work and I meant to go back, I really did...

I spent most of 2012 on depression's roller coaster, unfortunately, there were a lot of downs. At the end of 2012, Christmas was the only bright spot, the rest was darker than ever. I was well into 2013 before I started to recover and now I find myself slipping back down into the abyss. I'm tired. I'm so very tired of the darkness. My depression makes me question everything, it makes me feel disconnected and unsatisfied. It makes me dislike everything. It makes me feel like I'm drowning, like I'm sinking in a pit of quick sand and I don't even have the energy to pull myself out.

I feel useless when I'm depressed. I accomplish nothing. I can't write, I don't even think about writing because when I do I seem to think I'm the worst writer in the world...I'm not. I think that all my ideas are stupid...they're not. I have basically no self worth by the time depression is done with me. But I'm not going to let myself think that way anymore, not even for a second. I'm not going to let it win.

Truth be told, I don't even know why I'm telling this to the world. I don't even tell these things to my mother (who is my best friend) or my husband. I guess sometimes it's easier to tell your secrets to people who don't know you. I'll be okay.

I'm always okay.

Wednesday, 8 May 2013

A Big Decision

I've taken a break from everything writing related for over a week now. I didn't write, I didn't blog or twitter or outline. I didn't even brainstorm. I went for a walk through life and cleared my head of all the clutter up there. I needed to step back from everything, I had some pretty important things to work out.

When I finished writing Unbroken I was euphoric. I was on cloud 9 for weeks. I had done it! I wrote a book! So I took the age old advice and I set it aside for awhile. When I looked at it again I saw it for what it really was, a first draft. A really rough first draft. So I set out to perfect it. Four revisions later, I've made a decision. It was extremely hard for me to decide this but...

I am going to rewrite Unbroken. I'm going sit down and nail down a proper outline, I'm going to take my time and work on sub story and character development and work them all into my outline. I want to get it right this time. I don't want to fly by the seat of my pants and make stuff up as I go, it's not working for me, it never has and likely never will. It's time to grow up and change how I do things.

The first draft isn't wrong, per say, but it doesn't tell the story I want to tell, and that is a problem. The only way to fix said problem, is to rewrite it. I'm not scrapping the book, there's too much good stuff in there, stuff I will use for this book, other things will get saved for other books, but as it sits, I'm not happy with it. Unbroken was an experiment that, while not a failure, was not a resounding success. It was a learning experience from the beginning and will continue to be, probably forever. Even after it's finished there are things I will learn that I don't yet know.

I'm betting the rewrite will take me longer than the 30 days it took me to pen the first draft.

Saturday, 4 May 2013


Sometimes, when I'm trying to do everything, be a wife and mother, a writer, a daughter, a friend, a cook, a maid, a chauffeur, I lose myself in the process of trying to keep all these balls in the air. I get so concerned with trying to do everything, trying to be everything, trying to make sure that everyone else is happy, that sometimes, I drop some balls.

Life is like a dance, and right now I feel like I'm doing cha-cha while everyone else is doing a waltz. I feel out of step with everything, even myself. So I've taken a few days off, and I think I may take a few more. I need to step back, set some of these balls down and just be still for a while. I need to drink in some life, for I feel like it's leaving me behind.

But I'll be back soon...It's not a lunch break, just recess.

No worries.