Tuesday, 21 May 2013

Elephant in The Room

Oh, never mind him, he's my elephant, he's been around for awhile but I don't talk about him.

He's my depression.

I'm not diagnosed, but I have depression. I hate talking about it. I don't talk about it and I should. I have had problems with depression since I was fifteen, that's half my life. Half my life I've had problems with it, but the past few years have been harder.

Depression has gripped me before, but I've always been able to pick myself up and dust myself off, eventually. Usually once I realize what is going on I can change my actions and my thinking and can banish the darkness. Lately the darkness has been coming more frequently, like it's trying to fight back. Though I've spent fifteen years with these feelings, I've yet to get help. I went to a doctor once, got sent for blood work and I meant to go back, I really did...

I spent most of 2012 on depression's roller coaster, unfortunately, there were a lot of downs. At the end of 2012, Christmas was the only bright spot, the rest was darker than ever. I was well into 2013 before I started to recover and now I find myself slipping back down into the abyss. I'm tired. I'm so very tired of the darkness. My depression makes me question everything, it makes me feel disconnected and unsatisfied. It makes me dislike everything. It makes me feel like I'm drowning, like I'm sinking in a pit of quick sand and I don't even have the energy to pull myself out.

I feel useless when I'm depressed. I accomplish nothing. I can't write, I don't even think about writing because when I do I seem to think I'm the worst writer in the world...I'm not. I think that all my ideas are stupid...they're not. I have basically no self worth by the time depression is done with me. But I'm not going to let myself think that way anymore, not even for a second. I'm not going to let it win.

Truth be told, I don't even know why I'm telling this to the world. I don't even tell these things to my mother (who is my best friend) or my husband. I guess sometimes it's easier to tell your secrets to people who don't know you. I'll be okay.

I'm always okay.

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