Thursday, 31 October 2013

I Don't Want You To Read This

Even as I start writing this post, I don't know how to start writing this post. It occurred to me the other day that even though I blog, twitter and Facebook, that I don't really put myself out there. Other authors let their whole selves hang out. They are raw, they are real, they are honest. They let everyone into their world and into their minds and hearts. It dawned on me, that I am not one of them. I'd like to be, but there's a problem...

I don't know how.


That's right. I don't know how to let everyone see inside. The very thought leaves me quaking in my fuzzy socks. I don't know what people want to know about me, if anything. I sometimes feel like I'm one of those dreadful Mary Sue characters, you know, the painfully average girl with the painfully average life. (I love my painfully average life, it pleases me) Except I won't ever wake up with a mysterious power that I never knew I had. I won't discover that I'm really a fairy princess or an enchanted sorceress.

I could rattle on forever about the basics. I have a husband (almost 10 years married now) and three adorable kids. My oldest, a boy, is 5 1/2 and I have a set of boy/girl twins that just turned 4. I live in a small town that is starting to not feel so small anymore. I keep to myself and my handful of truly wonderful friends. My favorite color is green and I like cats. That's where I choke. I can't seem to go further than that. I want people to know me, I want them to be able to connect with me.

I feel like my voice is but a whisper among a roaring ocean of voices. I want to be one of the ones that are heard, but I can't seem to open up. I want to let it all hang out, but I just can't. I always seem to hold myself back. Hell, there's a gigantic part of me that wants to highlight this entire post and hit 'DELETE' so no one ever has to know that I wrote it in the first place. I don't want anyone to know that some days I feel like the only interesting thing about me is that I'm an Aquarius. I don't want people to know that sometimes I feel like I'm a card board cut out standing against the wall, easily missed. I don't want people to know that I feel completely ridiculous writing this post.

I don't want you to know that I feel naked even admitting this. It freaks me out to even write these words. I see them in black and white on my screen. I know I am frightened to hit PUBLISH, but fully intend to anyway and it scares me.

I don't want people to know that the thought of people knowing me terrifies me.

2 comments:

  1. I don't think there is any shame in being an introverted blogger. My blog is very impersonal and I make no apologies for it. I won't tell the world what's going on in my head, that pleasure is reserved for my nearest and dearest lol.

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    1. But...don't you ever just feel...disconnected.

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